Left Outside Alone
by addine995
Summary: For a year now, what kept Rose alive was her only daughter. When she boards the Titanic with her baby and Cal, she is not aware of what fate plans for her. Will the peniless artist save her, before it is too late? Will their love survive the endless struggles and an abusive Cal? What will happen to Rose's daughter? And who will Rose choose? Please R
1. The Journey

Rebecca Iris Dewitt Bukater Hockley was born on January 10th 1912. I had delivered her on my own, with Trudy's help, in my bedroom, a cold, stormy night. It wasn't an easy birth. The pains were sharper than Mother had described, and I felt like either me or the baby was going to die. She was born out-of-wedlock, but it didn't cause as much of a scandal as Mother thought it would. Cal and I were engaged, and, in the minds of people, secretly married, as well. To them, it was something completely normal, if not expected as well...

I knew what he would want me to give him. A son. His refusal to see his child when he found out it was a daughter proved so. For the first month of her life, both Rebecca and I were kept locked in my bedroom, away from the eyes of people and Cal's wrath. Perhaps it was better this way. But the fear of Rebecca being violently taken away from me still existed. Even now, three months after the day she came to the world, and after everyone learned about her existence. Cal was powerful, he wanted a son, and I didn't give him that. What was more for me to come, only God knew.

As for now, I was standing on Southampton's port, surrounded by a crowd of people from all social classes. Today, we would board the so-called "Ship Of Dreams", or, as it was differently called, the "Unsinkable Ship", the famous Titanic. I wasn't that enthusiastic about it. At least not as much as Mother was. She had told all of her friends about our "luck" and "Cal's expensive gift", to book a millionaire's suite on board the grandest ship in the world. Of course, it was a very big ship, perhaps even bigger than the Mauritania, but, to me, it was nothing more than a slave ship. The one, that would carry me back to America, in order to live the rest of my life in Cal's invisible chains.

We were coming home after a long time in Europe, in order to get married in Philadelphia. During our journey, my daughter was also born. And she was here, with us. Trudy was holding her, and some other servants were carrying our last moment's shopping, so that we board the Titanic in the latest fashion.

I stared at the Titanic, trying to hide my awe.

"I don't see what all the fuss is about". I turned to Cal, who was standing behind me. "It doesn't look any bigger than the Mauritania".

"You can be blase about some things, Rose, but not about Titanic!" . He sounded offended, as if he had built the ship with his own two hands. "It's a hundred feet longer than the Mauritania!" he went on. "And far more luxurious!"

After that, I looked at the ship once more. Mother commented on the ship, too, and Cal replied proudly. We didn't have any more time to waste. We were already late, compared to other first class passengers, and the ship would leave in some half an hour. As we all entered the grandest ship in history, Trudy was following me from behind, with Rebecca in her stroller. That would be my daughter's bed for the next few days, until we arrive safely to America. Of course, as I walked escorted by Cal, I couldn't avoid the stares of the other rich passengers. They weren't staring at us. They were staring at the stroller. Normally, children, especially babies, were always heard of but never actually seen. What we did might have seemed scandalous to some, but there was nothing else we could do. Rebecca was coming with us.

Soon, with the help of some officers, we found our cabin. It was said to be one of the most expensive and luxurious cabins on the ship. To me, it looked more like a hotel suite or, may I say it better, a small apartment, which would comfortably accommodate a family of seven. Mother and I didn't have to choose our bedrooms. They were all chosen by Cal. Mine was right behind his own. That meant that every time I'd want to enter my bedroom, I'd have to go through his first. Luckily, though, there was another door, may I call it a secret one, that lead directly to the corridors. Rebecca was staying in my bedroom. Trudy would sleep in a small room away from the masters' bedrooms. Mother, of course, had her objections about this decision of mine. "What if she wakes up in the middle of the night? You need sleep. Your body needs sleep. You can't wake yourself up every two hours!". I breastfed. I hoped that was an excuse powerful enough to convince Mother. Thank heavens it did. She didn't say anything on that subject anymore.

The ship had already set sail by the time our luggage arrived to our suite. We never traveled light, and this was no exception. The only clothes I would need during this voyage, were all in one baggage. But I wasn't anticipating to that as much as I did for something else. The moment my art pieces arrived, I started to arrange them all over the cabin, so that it's not as boring as it already was. In the meantime, Mother was giving the maids directions, while Cal was shown the suite by an officer, a glass of the champagne we found in the living room table in his hands. Rebecca was still in her stroller, a few steps behind me, while Trudy and I were taking my paintings out of their cases, and placed them on the sofa, me wondering where each would be placed for these few days.

"God, not those finger paintings again!" Cal's voice was heard behind me. "They certainly were a waste of money!"

"The difference between Cal's taste in art and mine is that I have some!" I knew it annoyed Cal whenever I talked as if he wasn't present, especially in front of the servants. "They're fascinating!" I went on, as a reply to his comment. Then, I turned to my paintings. There was the one I was staring at, one of the newest I had purchased before we leave, made from a young artist in the business. "This one seems like being inside a dream or something. There's truth, but no logic..."

"What's the artist's name?" Trudy asked. In all those years that she was my personal maid and friend, I had taught her what I knew about art, and she was as interested in the subject as I was.

"Something Picasso..." I replied. At that moment, Rebecca started to cry. I knew it was time to breastfeed her. I placed the painting on the couch, along with some other ones, and held her in my arms. As I made my way to my room, Trudy walked behind me. There was no way Rebecca would be fed if I didn't get some help with my dress. In the meantime, we started heading west to Cherbourg, and then Ireland, our last destination before we travel to America.

Sometime later, I was done. Rebecca was now reclining on my bed, trying to touch her feet with her tiny hands. I would stand still and watch her for hours, were we somewhere else, but now I had to arrange all the paintings.. Some had found their place in my bedroom, particularly one of a ballerina that was my favorite. Trudy was still with me, putting my clothes into the closet. She'd talk enthusiastically on the ship, and how brand new it smelled.

"Just think that tonight, miss, when I crawl between the sheets, I'll be the first!"

We were suddenly interrupted by the sound of the door opening and Cal's voice.

"And when I crawl between the sheets tonight, I'll _still_ be the first."

With a quick motion of his head, Trudy walked out quickly, shameful. I knew what Cal meant by that. The night I had conceived Rebecca was the first night I had ever found myself in the same bed with a man. As I turned to face the ballerina, I took a quick glance of Rebecca. She was staring at her father as if he was a stranger. Perhaps that's what he was to Rebecca, after all. A father, that never showed the least bit of affection, that never even touched his own child.

My breath ceased for a moment, as I felt Cal's cold hands around my waist. There was no way I would do this here, in front of my daughter's eyes. I hoped that her presence was enough to stop Cal, but it didn't. I felt his breath on my neck and shoulder. Apparently, he was smelling my perfume. I tried to get away with this by kissing his cheek. Soon, I felt a weight on my shoulder and presumed it was Cal's head. I should feel relieved, for I knew that when he did that, nothing would happen. Instead, I turned to look at the ballerina, disgusted by Cal's touch, but his words wouldn't escape my thoughts.

_The first and only. Forever... _

Oh, Mother, of all the men in this world, why him?


	2. Butterfly In A Glass Jar

When I woke up, the following morning, I wasn't at all prepared for the surprise. Rebecca had slept all night long! Usually, she woke up every two hours in order to be fed and changed. I was nervous that, the feeling of being inside a ship and the sound coming from the engines would scare her, resulting in me getting almost no sleep at all. I walked up to her stroller, waiting for the moment that she would open her eyes. I couldn't help but smile at her innocent beauty!

Rebecca looked just like me. The spitting image of how I used to look as a baby. Her short hair would soon turn into fiery red curls, her once brown eyes soon turned into my green-blue ones. Her skin was white and soft and her screams were as loud and desperate as mine. The moment I first saw her, all my fears were washed away. I had dreaded that, every time I'd look at her, I'd see Cal. But that was changing, day by day. And I loved that! I felt relieved. And I couldn't wait for her to grow up! Every day, I prayed to God that I didn't end up as my own mother. That I didn't become as cold as she was. I didn't want that for my daughter. I wanted her to be able to talk to her mother, feel free to share her secrets and live the life she wants, without me getting in the way. Otherwise, I'd feel like a murderer. Someone who had killed Rebecca's dreams, as well as my own.

The moment she finally opened her eyes, she stared at me for a second. Then, all of a sudden, my daughter's face was lightened up by a very bright smile! Oh, how beautiful she looked! And how proud I felt! I knew that, no one, not even Cal had ever seen something like that before. I was the first person she smiled at! And she was the reason I now felt the happiest woman on earth!

I held her in my hands immediately, and played around with her, doing the best I could to keep that smile on her face. However, soon enough, the sound of her cries filled the room.

"Are you hungry, dear?"

I placed her on the bed. She kicked in the air. That was her own way to say "yes".

A few minutes later, she was being fed. My vision was focused on her, while I was stroking her hair, smiling. She was beginning to explore the world around her! Nothing, no one else existed for me now, but my little girl.

Until the door opened.

It was Cal. He entered, without asking for permission. But he took a few steps back, when he saw that I was breastfeeding.

"Good morning, Rose."

Although I did, I pretended not to have noticed him. Instead, I kept my eyes on Rebecca, until the moment he closed the door behind him.

"I need to talk to you", he went on.

There was something in the way that he spoke, that made me nervous. I looked at him.

"Has anything serious happened?"

He didn't answer right away. Instead, he kept his eyes focused on Rebecca, as if he was disgusted by her presence.

"Yes." he said." To me. And to my future."

"I don't understand..." . But I did. I knew what Cal's future was. His father's business. Once Mr. Hockley was gone, he would take over.

"I know you do. Is there any place I can talk to you in private?"

"We _are _in private".

"Not entirely, though..."

"Whatever you have to say, say it in front of our daughter!"

Cal kept looking at the baby, as if she was his worst enemy. Foolish man!

"It's a matter I wanted to talk to you about for a long time now. I see now that you're strong enough, so I think it would be the better time for this."

"The better time for what?"

"I want a son, Rose. The son, that you didn't give me the first time. I want an heir that will take over my family's empire once I'm gone. A bright, talented boy, with an interest in business."

Those words sounded as harsh as a knife cutting through my flesh and heart. It took me some time to realize that Rebecca was still in my hands.

"Cal... Don't you think we still have time for this?"

"I can't wait, Rose. We should have another baby, as soon as possible."

"We can wait, until we're married..."

"The wedding is in six months!"

"I'll be even stronger in six months to have another baby, Cal. Right now, I... I don't feel like it."

"It's not about what you feel like. It's about what you're here for. You're here to have my children. That's why I'm marrying you in the first place. You will give me a son, whether you feel like it or not!"

"I don't feel strong enough... Look! I am breastfeeding. Rebecca can't eat anything else now!"

"This is ridiculous. Of course she can!"

"Then what? What should she eat?"

"I'm sure there 'll be another maid to do this job for you. I'm even surprised you agreed to do so in the first place!"

"She's my daughter, Cal. She's the daughter we created together. You gave her to me!"

"I didn't give you anything, but a night of pleasure! I didn't ask you to conceive that child!"

"But I did! I did, and she needs me now! I am her mother! If I don't breastfeed her, then who will? A maid? A stranger?"

"You conceived our daughter, Rose. You said so yourself. And it was just one night. I'm sure you'll conceive my son with the same, easy and pleasant way."

I didn't know what he meant. I hadn't conceived Rebecca out of making love. Cal was the one that came into my bedroom, he was the one who demanded that I undress in front of him, he was the reason why I hurt and cried... Rebecca might have been the product of that night, but the memories still haunt my dreams, a year later.

"But, Cal... If I conceive now, I won't be able to breastfeed Rebecca!"

"One of the maids will."

"Cal!..."

"End of discussion! I'll wait for you in my room tonight. Right after dinner. Make sure to be there on time."

It was during lunch that I had come up with a plan that would hopefully convince Cal that I was more of a pistol than he thought I was, that obeying someone wasn't something I did easily. If I were lucky enough, the idea of a son would be forgotten for a while, if not forever be vanished off his mind.

We were invited by the creators of the ship, Mr. Ismay and Mr. Andrews. On the same table, there was also Mrs. Margaret Brown, the later known as the "Unsinkable Molly Brown". To Mother and Cal, she was nothing but an arrogant woman, what they liked to describe as "new money". To me, she was a very interesting person, a woman I was extremely fond of, for she always spoke her mind.

The subject of the conversation wasn't an interesting one. It was about Titanic, her greatness, her strength, her luxury... As for my plan, it begun by lighting a cigarette, the same time the waiter arrived to take our orders.

"You know I don't like that, Rose.", Mother commented.

I couldn't care less. However, when I breathed out the smoke on her face, I wasn't aware that Cal had already removed the cigarette from my hand and stubbed it out.

"She knows..." was all he said. From the way he spoke, I could understand that he was still calm. He then turned to the waiter and ordered. "We'll both have the lamb. Rare, with very little mint sauce."

As usual, Cal didn't bother asking my own opinion on the food I'd like to eat. Today, though, he did, when he turned to me to ask if I liked the lamb.

"You're gonna cut her meat for her too there, Cal?"

Margaret spoke the way I'd like to reply. The look she received from Cal, though, was enough to make her stop, and change the topic. So, Mr. Ismay and the ship became the center of attention again.

"Do you know Dr. Freud, Mr. Ismay? His ideas about the male preoccupation with size may be of particular interest to you!"

I couldn't stay anymore. I've had enough of all that non-sense. It was just a ship, for heaven's sake! Plus, I wanted to get away from Cal, away from everybody. I wanted to have a moment to myself and think. Think of my daughter, think of myself, think of the son Cal wanted...

I stood up immediately, and made my way to the door. I was annoyed by everything that had happened in there, but I knew I had achieved my goal: shown Cal who I was.

There weren't many people outside at such a time. Of course, I felt glad about it. I walked over to a railing not far away. At least I could watch the sea, and breathe some fresh air. That was all I needed to calm down, forget about everything that had happened.

Suddenly, I felt someone staring at me. It couldn't have been Cal, he was still inside. It was someone from the lower decks, perhaps someone from steerage... I turned suddenly, and focused my eyes on the person who kept his glance on me. He was young, and poor, no older than twenty. He was caught, but he didn't look away. Not even when our eyes met. I stole another glance of him. He was still there, his attention still focused on me. Who was he? And why was he doing that? I felt uncomfortable... If only he would stop staring! I had been through a lot today, I couldn't stand a poor man staring at me like that...

I heard footsteps coming from behind. I didn't notice who that was, until he touched my arm. It was Cal. He told me something I didn't understand. Neither did I want to. All I wanted was to spend some more time alone.

"Do you mind?" I said, rather disturbed by his presence there. Although he simply informed me that the food was served, from the way he held his body I understood that he would also want to have a talk with me.

That moment arrived when we went back to the cabin. Mother changed into her evening dress and left again, to gossip with some of the new friends she made on the ship. As soon as she closed the door behind her, Cal faced me.

"I expect an apology for your behavior during lunch".

Apparently, he didn't understand...

"There's nothing to apologize for, Cal. Rebecca didn't sleep well last night, that's all".

I didn't want to use my daughter, but at such a moment, I couldn't come up with a better excuse.

"Do you expect me to believe that? If the baby was crying, then why didn't I hear it?"

"I suppose the alcohol you drank last night was enough for you to take a deep sleep". There was a hint of irony in my voice. I still wanted to prove Cal that I was harder to handle than he thought.

He would slap me, right there and then, hadn't my daughter cried that very moment. To my astonishment, Cal allowed me to walk into my room. He did nothing. He didn't want to continue the discussion either, apparently. When I was done with Rebecca, he was nowhere to be found in the suite.

Although I should be calm, I wasn't. I had become even more anxious than before. Cal barely left without finishing a discourse. Suddenly, I realized, no matter what I did, Cal would still get what he wanted. And I would be too weak to do anything, because he would be stronger, as he always was...


	3. Tainted Love

**A/N: There's a little M in the first bit of the chapter. Just a friendly notice :D Also, thanks to everyone for reviewing me so far :D You are amazing :D**

It was with trembling hands that I opened the door to the suite. I knew what was expecting me there... Cal was furious with me all day long. I had seen him like that before, but there was something in his eyes, that I felt was a threat. All his rage would explode the moment I opened the door. He had made it clear during dinner. He wouldn't talk to me, for he would always discuss other things with other people. But he'd hold my hand so tightly under the tablecloth that he'd make me hurt. I wanted to escape it, all of this, leave, but I couldn't. Cal would get what he wanted, one way or another.

I walked up to his room. I drew a deep breath. I tried to be brave. I hesitated. A few more moments of heavy breathing, of me trying to calm myself down. What if I didn't open the door? There were even worse things to come... Another deep breath. I opened it.

I took the first step. No one was in sight. Then another. And another. The sound of the key turning into the lock. My breath caught in my throat. Cal's voice:

"I thought you'd never come."

He was behind me. I felt his dirty breath. Alcohol and smoke. I was disgusted. I didn't dare turn around. I didn't want to face him...

His hands on my shoulders. He turned me, so that I looked at him. I didn't...

"Open your eyes, Rose. It's not something that you haven't seen before!"

But I hadn't. Cal... half-dressed... drunk... He looked dangerous. I wanted to run away, as far as I could go. My heart told me so, my sense insisted I should stay...

I was frozen in place. By fear. By shame. By humiliation...

He walked closer. His disgusting breath on my face. His hands on my skin, I felt like throwing up. This was nothing like the first night...

He kissed me. Hungrily, harshly, violently. His hands explored my body. His breath quickened. I knew what was next.

He broke the kiss. He looked at me for a moment. He smiled, with that awful smirk of his...

"Go get yourself ready, Rose."

I looked around, trying to find a place . There was nothing. Just my room, but Cal would never let me in. Not tonight...

"Don't play ashamed, Rose. Right here, in front of me! And quick!"

I didn't want that. Not again. Slowly, I walked to a corner. It wasn't dark, but I wouldn't be close to Cal. First, I removed my gloves. Then came the bun. I tried to be as slow as possible, hoping that he would enjoy that, and also that I'd find a way to escape. I turned for a moment to face the wall, I was almost done...

His hands on my waist, holding my dress... _Not so soon... _I cried to myself. _Not so soon... _

"Let me get ready, Cal."

My voice was surprisingly calm.

"I can't wait, Rose. You're way too slow!"

My hair in his palm, he put them over one shoulder. He kissed my neck. I hurt. I wanted him to stop. I was shivering. Fear, cold, I do not know. Next thing I knew, my necklace was on the floor. Me, being pushed against the wall by Cal, my back to him.

He went even lower... He wanted to tear my dress apart, but it was way too tight... He became mad. He tried to remove it from my shoulders, but he only succeeded in causing further damage to it...

"Damn it!"

"Let me get on the bed, Cal."

I didn't want that. I just hoped that he would end this torture sooner that way.

"No, Rose. Not yet!"

His hands were traveling in places I'd rather be left untouched. They were cold and heavy, like marble... I tried to search for something, anything that would let me escape this... An empty bottle of whiskey was lying on the table, not far away from me. I held it in my hands. Carefully, so that Cal wouldn't see it... I'd hit him with that, and then escape... His lips were on my neck. I raised my hand, thinking that was the best moment. My heart stopped pounding when I felt him holding my arm.

"No, Sweetpea, even you wouldn't do that."

He threw it away, the sound of breaking glass... His breath even lower, on my back, then his mouth... I gasped.

"Let me at least get on the bed, Cal."

"I don't want to."

I felt the hem of my dress higher on my body. Up to the waist. His hands touching the clothes underneath, tearing them apart. If only I wasn't stuck against the wall, I could at least run. Run all over the room, scream at the top of my lungs, hoping that someone would listen... His hands on my bare flesh, like ice. He was exploring me, making me gasp every time.

"You're so soft..." he whispered. I froze in place, waiting for what came next. Tears appeared on my eyes and I tried hard not to reveal them.

He turned me once more, so that I looked at him.

A proud smirk on his face, he kissed me again, more hunger and violence in that kiss than his previous one... Without even seeing what he was doing, he scooped me up in his arms, and carried me to the bed...

I hadn't even touched the mattress when I felt him climbing on top of me. I tried to resist, kicking him wherever my feet could reach...

He broke the kiss. I saw him looking at me, the angriest I had seen of him that day.

"On your stomach, Rose. Now!"

I was scared. What happened to that woman who didn't want to be ordered, who broke the rules? She became a girl... A vulnerable girl in the hands of a convulsive master...

I kept staring at him. I couldn't hide the tears anymore... I let them run free down on my face. This only made Cal more furious.

"When will you learn to do what you were told, dammit?"

He held me fiercely, and turned me himself. There, lying on my stomach, I was even more helpless. There was no way I'd resist the urge to cry now.

Cal brought the hem of my dress up to my waist once more. Then, he entered me. I wanted to let out a scream, a loud, desperate scream. I didn't care about waking everyone up. All I wanted, was to escape. All I could do, though, was cry.

"Stop that, will you?" Cal said, panting.

I could only cry harder. I didn't care about my make-up being all over my face. I didn't care about the black spots I left on the pillow. All I cared about, all I could think of, was the sharp pain inside me. The pain, that became even harder to tolerate with each movement Cal made...

I could feel my hair falling on my back and shoulders. I buried my face in the pillow... If only Mother could hear me... She'd realize now, who her daughter's great match really was... What I'd have to go through for the rest of my life...

He finally reached his release. Almost immediately, I felt his full weight on me. I expected for that whisper in my ear, that voice I detested saying something... His heavy breaths on my neck. His arms to the sides. He fell asleep. I couldn't breathe. I had to free myself from him as soon as possible, without waking him up.

It wasn't easy, but I managed to sit on the bed, Cal laying on his back behind me. I couldn't stay in here a moment longer... I wanted to run, go somewhere no one would find me, hide there for hours and cry...

I didn't care about being half-naked underneath the dress. I still had my shoes on. Cal was sleeping heavily. I didn't have much time. I found the key on the floor. Making as less noise as possible, I unlocked and walked out. Soon, I was in the corridors, trying to find the door to the deck. No one was around, except from some officers, who gave me some puzzled looks.

When I finally found it, I begun to run. As fast as my trembling legs could...

I stopped. My body clinging against the base of the stern flagpole. I don't know for how long I've been running, nor how I got there. All I could feel was the tears running down on my face. All I could hear, was me panting. All I could think of was what happened a few minutes ago. What if there was even worse to come? What if Cal became even more violent? What if I never conceived his son? What if, what if, what if...

Suddenly, I realized. The fantail was deserted. I was all alone in the middle of the night...

I stared out at the black water. I wondered for a moment, what it would feel like if I dared it... If I went over to the railing and jumped, into the dark ocean... No Cal would be there, to touch me without my own will... No Mother to control my life... But then... There was Rebecca... The only reason my life had a meaning... I couldn't leave her alone... Her father would throw her into an orphanage the first chance he got.. No, no. Rebecca couldn't be taken away from me. She needed me, someone to love and who loves her back. And that was me. No, I wouldn't go there. I needed to be strong, stand all these for my daughter's sake... I was the only real family she had. I couldn't abandon her just like that! No, I might be crying, but I must see Rebecca growing up! I should be the one raising her, giving her the love I didn't receive as a child...

I was left there, crying. Rebecca's image flashed right in front of my eyes. There was nowhere I could go, nothing I could do, but stay there. Numb, crying...

For the first time in a long time, I felt the night breeze on my face, bringing more tears in my eyes. I stood there, motionless, feeling the cold. I heard some footsteps behind me. _Not Cal, please, don't let it be Cal... _Then I remembered. He was asleep, and I was in third class...

"Don't do it!"

I turned, to face a poor young blonde man, standing some feet behind me. He looked anxious and afraid. He looked familiar...

"Don't do what?" I replied.

"Don't go over there to that railing and jump."

"I wasn't going to..."

I felt disturbed by his presence at first, but not now. He was the only person who actually noticed me. Who actually cared about me, even if it was just for a few seconds. "Then I'm glad.", he said. "You won't have to get me off the hook here and save you from jumping. You know, if you dared jump, you'd be killed instantly. The water is very cold."

I didn't bother wiping the tears out of my face. The air had dried them out somehow. Although a voice inside me told me that this man might be dangerous, another, a louder one, kept saying to trust this man, and stay here.

We still stood there, the same distance between us.

"How cold?", I asked.

"Freezing.", he shrugged. "Maybe a couple degrees over."

"How do you know that?"

Suddenly, this man sounded interesting.

"Have you ever been to Wisconsin? There, they have some of the coldest winters around. I grew up there, near Chippewa Falls. Once when I was a kid me and my father were ice-fishing out on Lake Wissota... ice-fishing's where you chop a hole in the..."

"I know what ice-fishing is!"

Alright, he was a little annoying at times...

"Sorry. Just... you look like some kind of an indoor girl. Anyway, I went through some thin ice and I'm tellin' ya, water that cold... like that right down there... it hits you like a thousand knives all over your body. You can't breath, you can't think... least not about anything but the pain. Which is why I'm glad you don't wanna jump over there. Though if you did, I'd have to go over there and jump in after you."

"Don't be absurd! You'd have been killed!"

"I'm a good swimmer."

"Well... The fall alone would have killed you..."

"It would. I'm not saying it wouldn't. So... we've been here all this time talking, and yet, we don't know each other's names. I'm Jack Dawson."

Rather hesitantly, he walked closer to me, so that we could shake hands.

"Rose Dewitt Bukater."

"I'm gonna have to get you to write that one down!"

I couldn't help it. A small laugh escaped my lips and suddenly, what Cal did to me disappeared from my mind. I'd like to spend more time with him, talk to him, tell him about my story. I knew now that I could trust this man completely. But I felt someone staring at me. That annoying valet of Cal's... He did nothing else but follow me everywhere I went...

"Is there something wrong?" Mr. Dawson realized something...

"I really have to go. It was a pleasure meeting you, certainly!"

I didn't make a step, when I felt him hold my hand. It was a tender touch, nothing like I felt in years.

"Are you sure? "

"Yes, yes I am. It's just late, that's all. And it's a cold night, as well." I had just begun to realize that.

"Alright."

"Goodnight Mr. Dawson."

"Goodnight, Rose."

I smiled at him once more. He was the only person who noticed me, the only one who cared... He warned me, not to threaten me, but to keep me out of danger... However, as I walked closer to Lovejoy, I had to let the smile disappear. He would become suspicious and tell Cal about it. Well, I was almost certain that he would tell him that he saw me with another man, in the middle of the night... I didn't care, though. Because I knew, I had made a friend. I'll go and thank him, the first chance I get. Perhaps we'd have some more time to talk then...

Then, Lovejoy's voice:

"Walking out at this time is dangerous, miss."

"Just take me back to the cabin..."


	4. Insect In Amber

The next day, Saturday, I woke up with a feeling I hadn't felt in years... As if something heavy had been lifted from my shoulders... I smiled... I didn't have a particular reason, I just felt like it... Then I remembered him... Mr. Dawson. Or Jack. Who was he? He was poor, I was certain about that. His clothes were dirty and a little moth-eaten too... Still, why did he come over to save me? What if he was indeed dangerous? All those years of my life, I had been told never to trust people from lower classes, you'd never know what they'd want from you... But if I dared jump, would he indeed jump behind me? Did he really want to save me? And, most importantly, why did I feel like I could trust him the way I never trusted another person before?

I got dressed for breakfast quickly before I walk to my daughter's stroller. She was already making some sounds, the meaning of which I was very well aware of now. I made sure Rebecca had woken up completely before I held her in my arms and headed for the private promenade deck. I was rather surprised to find Mother sitting on the breakfast table on her own, all dressed for the day.

"Good morning, Mother!"

"Rose. You are rather late." she replied, looking at me. "Did you have a good night's sleep?", she went on, a tiny hint of sarcasm in her voice.

"I did, thank you.", I said, sitting down on the chair opposite of hers.

"I should have imagined..." , she whispered, the sarcasm more obvious, as she brought the cup of tea closer to her lips.

I chose to avoid it. My attention was focused on Rebecca instead, who had taken an interest in the food being served for me. Trudy asked if she should take Rebecca to my room. I refused, earning an unpleasant gaze from Mother.

"Mother, did you happen to have seen Cal? He is nowhere to be found in the cabin.", I asked, both to change the topic and out of curiosity.

"I have told you a thousand times, Rose. We never ask where our husband is. It shows that we don't trust him enough."

"I just want to know!"

"He is seeing some of his acquaintances. Rose, please!"

I knew that breastfeeding Rebecca in Mother's presence would annoy her. However, I had no other choice. I had to distract Rebecca's concentration from the table so that I could eat and also because I knew that the usual time I fed her had gone by...

"What is it, Mother?", I pretended not to have noticed what was wrong.

"You don't have to take care of Rebecca yourself." , Mother replied, probably because she couldn't find anything more lady-like to say. "We could have hired a nanny for this job. Or, at least, one of the maids should..."

"Mother, I am the one taking care of Rebecca. I can't trust anyone else to do this job for me. You should have known for yourself already!"

I was sick of that subject. It would be brought up several times during the day and I would always give the same, negative answer. A long silence followed, that was broken by Mother. She took one quick glance at her granddaughter, then, setting her cup of tea aside, she turned to me, a very serious tone in her voice:

"There is an important matter I want to discuss with you, Rose. I don't believe Rebecca should be present."

"She is a baby, Mother. She is too young to understand what we will say."

Also, I couldn't stop her from being fed... Otherwise, the place would be a mess in seconds!

At that moment, one of the maids walked into the room to make sure we were alright. Mother, however, ordered her to leave, forbidding any other servant from entering.

"I don't wish for others to be present. This is a very private matter."

"What is it, Mother?"

I had a feeling of what she wanted to talk to me about...

"I heard some... whispers coming from the maids earlier. They had found evidence of your... inappropriate behavior last night."

"I beg your pardon?"

"It is said that they had found some black spots on your fiance's pillow, and assumed it was from you. They also happened to have found some torn pieces of clothing and the necklace you wore last night on the floor. I hope you understand what I want to say..."

I couldn't stare at her any longer. She might think me guilty, however. I tried hard to hold back the tears, as I felt that awful memory reliving in my mind. I somehow knew that was going to happen, Mother considering me guilty and immoral... She had done so once more, when my pregnancy was announced.

"Rose!... Did you visit Cal's chambers the previous night?"

I had no other choice, but to reply.

"Yes, Mother, I did. But..."

She didn't hear the last word. I knew she wanted to walk up and down nervously, but instead, she was still seating on her chair, reminding me what I was told a million times already.

"For God's sake, Rose!". She was speaking in a low voice, so that the servants wouldn't hear. "Haven't you thought of the consequences of having a second child before the wedding? We nearly caused a scandal with Rebecca! Weren't the Hockleys involved, our fine name would have been ruined!"

So, this is what mattered to her the most... Her reputation. My suffering, my cries, me almost committing suicide... Hadn't she hear anything? Hers and Cal's bedroom were separated by only a wall. She could have very easily heard had she wanted to...

"Do remember our situation, Rose. We have no money left. We'd be on the streets, poor and dirty, struggling to survive, hadn't Cal accepted you to be his wife. The Hockleys are a very well respected family, so their sons are expected to marry well respected women as well. Your immoral behavior over the past year doesn't match this standard. You were not raised in the streets! You are a member of one of Philadelphia's most respected families and you are about to become the bride to one of the most promising heirs of his generation. Haven't you thought the possibility of conceiving again? And what if it is a daughter again? We will wind up in the streets, working as seamstresses. Do you want that, Rose? For your daughter?"

"That is not the case, Mother. You said so yourself. There is no way that I might have broken the bottle or torn my own clothes."

"What you and your fiancé do on such occasions is a subject I'm not interested in discussing. Now, get dressed, there are some people we must meet."

"But, Mother..."

"I will not talk about this any longer, Rose, and that's final."

With that she left, never minding to even say a goodbye... Foolish me! I should have known... I had tried to defend myself endless times in the past, but Mother had always been judgmental about my actions... Why would she change now? Wasn't Cal's fortune a reason good enough for her never to hear to what her only daughter had to say?

Breakfast was over soon. Rebecca and I were currently in my bedroom, me having already dressed for the day and trying to attire my daughter. Until I heard it...

"Rose..."

Cal's voice. He was coming here... I finished dressing Rebecca quickly. He wouldn't do anything with me holding her... Then, I grabbed a book. I didn't care what it was about. It would show Cal that I was occupied with something else. I opened it, pretending to read it, while I was making my way to the sitting room.

"Rose..."

I walked past him. Luckily, he didn't grab my arm. Instead, he let me sit down on the sofa, before he stood in front of me.

"We need to talk." , he said calmly.

"I don't think there is anything else to say... " , I replied.

"I believe there is..."

"What?", I answered, looking up at him.

He didn't answer back. Instead, he walked a little closer, the expression in his eyes unreadable.

"Now, what is this piece of junk?"

He grabbed the book from my hand immediately, not even giving me time to realize what had gotten into him now... He didn't even bother looking at it. He only saw the title, and then threw it on the floor. When I stood up to get it, he stopped me.

"What now, Cal? " I asked, not wanting to annoy him. It was certainly a sight I wouldn't like my daughter to face.

"You will never read those things again, Rose. From now on, I will be the one to choose the books you read."

No, no, he couldn't have gone that far! In this one year and a half that we were engaged, the only freedom I was allowed to have was to choose what I'd like to read. No, Cal wouldn't take this away from me! What would happen when I become his wife, then? Give me no voice in anything? Be allowed to breathe only when he let me? Be allowed to move only when he felt like it? Did he want to be married to a statue? Then he should go and search for one. Because I would not be the one to take that role...

"May I know why, please?" I asked, trying to hide my anger.

" You'll give birth to my son, Rose. There's no way I am going to let you read those stuff. They are all rubbish."

"They are not! They are highly educative! After all, I like what I read!"

"I don't think you understand, Rose. Women are not supposed to read books like that. Women are not supposed to be educated, as you put it. Women have better things to do than to waste their time by reading books like these."

"What then? What better things are there for women to do? Giving birth to products of rape? Raising children that will never be loved by their father because he'll have better things to do raping their mother?", I said, unable to hide my wrath.

Cal's hand was raised. He was ready to slap me hard. I closed my eyes. I held Rebecca more tightly. She started to cry.

With my eyes closed, I turned away. I started walking up and down the room, staring only at Rebecca. I was trying to calm both her and myself down. I didn't care if I had gone too far. I had had enough of Cal's abusive behavior already.

I saw my fiancé leaning on the wall, remaining quiet. Deep down, Cal knew I was right. He'd never admit it though. It wasn't any "convenient" to him. And if I dared open my mouth and talk to someone else, I'd be called immoral. The fact that we had a child without being married would only make matters worse for me.

I begun to whisper a song, a lullaby, so that Rebecca's distress would stop. It did, soon enough. Almost concurrently, I smelled something unpleasant. I knew where it came from. I didn't want to leave the room, but I couldn't stand the smell either. I walked to my room, half-aware of the possibility that Cal might follow me.

I placed her on the bed and started to tell her something, mostly to calm myself down. Suddenly, I felt it. His tight hold of my shoulders. He turned me around, but not as violently as all the previous times.

"Keep in mind, Cal." I was trembling, but my voice was as angry as it was, moments ago. "There are people at this time who might hear. If not my screams, then your daughter's cries."

His hold on my shoulders tightened. I knew there were going to be bruises marked on my skin. He'd never let me go, though, without spatting something at me first:

"I don't care what you and that... thing... might do. Babies cry, and your screams might be misunderstood. You're immoral to people, realize that, Rose. And you're going to have my son inside your body by the time we're married, which will only add more scandalous talks about your name."

He was now holding me so hard, my shoulders were numb.

"For now on, things change for you. What you say, how you're dressed, where you are, who you spend your time with, all of these things will be decided by me. Because you're going to be the mother of my heir. If you don't obey me, then I'll have to teach you a very good lesson."

He suddenly dropped me on the bed, Rebecca right next to me. My heart stopped at once, dreading his intentions. My daughter started to cry once more. I don't know if I should be grateful to her for doing that, however, Cal left, saying and doing nothing more. When I heard the door of the suite closing, I didn't mind the presence of servants. I begun to cry, along with my child, as if we were the only people in the room...

I could take no more... Cal had been controlling me, since that dreadful night of the engagement... He had arranged an entire gala for the proposal, with the richest people of America being present. He knew that there was no way I would deny, with so many eyes kept on me. The white dress Mother insisted I should wear was never what I would have wanted to wear on such an engagement. A wonderful black dress would be perfect. However, there was no way Mother would want to hear that. "Widows wear black. You are not one of them. You are a young lady, courting a descendant of one of the most powerful families the world has ever seen. You are going to wear something colorful, something happy".

Things only worsened after I had accepted Cal's proposal. There was nowhere I could go, nothing I could do, without Cal being constantly present. If I ever dared look at another man, there were Cal's yells and threats to follow. Even on that trip to Europe, I had no say in the countries we'd go to, the places we'd visit... We'd visit great countries, such as Germany or France, but we'd never see any of the wonderful sights. There would always be a celebration taking place, and I was forced to go there, because it was Cal's will. And then, there was Mother. She was the one to agree with everything he said, the one that would change my mind, in case she felt something went wrong... But then, the most dreadful night came... Cal had booked a separate suite for Mother, something which he had never done before. All the servants would stay in some cheaper rooms. Alone in the same place with Cal, I was at his mercy. I should have been suspicious, but if I dared open my mouth and speak, they would silence me, saying what they always did: that they knew what was best for me.

And so it happened... I was asleep in my bedroom, when the door opened. I felt someone lying next to me. A cold, heavy hand around my waist... My heart begun to beat, faster and faster with each passing moment. Then, he tried to turn me over, so that I faced him. My eyes tightly closed. I pretended I was sleeping heavily, wishing that he would go away. He didn't. He wasn't going to. His hands were all over my body, until they rested on my breasts. I moved, trying to show him that I was disturbed by something, but that didn't help. He realized that, sooner or later, I'd wake up. His full weight now on top of me. His cold fingers on my face. I wanted to move once more, but couldn't. Before I understood what was going on, I felt something on my lips. He was kissing me. I opened my eyes. I stared at him, and tried to escape his dreadful hug.

"Good time you woke up, Sweetpea!" he said, that nightmarish smirk on his face.

"Cal, what are you doing here?"

Fear was obvious in my voice.

"That's a stupid question. I'm turning you into a woman."

"I don't want to, get off of me!"

"I won't. Now, stand up."

"Cal..."

"Now!"

I did as I was told. Cal's eyes kept on me all the time. I saw him lying on his back. We stayed like that for a while, he staring at me, me standing there...

"Get out of your dress", was his stern command.

"I don't want this, leave me alone!"

"I came here for something, and I won't leave until I take it. Now, out!"

My jaw begun to tremble. I was ready to cry. Still, I managed to play my last card:

"I want to wait until we are married. I am not ready yet."

"You'll never be! Now, get rid of this! I want to see you! "

I had no other choice. I followed his orders. His hungry eyes on me.

"You saw what you wanted to see. Now leave." I told him, once last time.

"Come here." he said.

I shouldn't. Instead, I did. I hoped that he would leave then, but, once more, he climbed on top of me.

"Cal..."

His hands silenced me. Then, he begun to undress himself. I was protesting, as hard as I could, but he 'd never let me go.

"Shh!"

His lips on my skin. I shivered.

"Stay still, you will enjoy it!"

So it happened. I don't know for how long I was there, whether it was a few minutes, or hours... To me, it seemed like an eternity. The pain was unbearable, I was crying, trying to scream, but he wouldn't let me. God forbid that someone in the hotel heard us! And when the torture was finally over, he let me there, bleeding. I had no sense of time, nor space. I must have had fainted. When I woke up the next morning, I had my nightgown on. It seemed like nothing had happened, like it was all a nightmare, I secretly wished it was, until I saw the blood on the sheet...

Oh, that awful memory! How I wish that it was never relived again!


	5. Poor Little Rich Girl

**A/N: I'm really really really sorry I didn't update this story for... geez... A month! Moving to another country and university issues were keeping me far more busy that I thought, it seems... Anyway, here's a long chapter to make up for the long time :D I also want to say: I know I used a lot of lines/scenes from the movie and the screenplay. I will just try not to do it again in the following chapters. :D Again, please R&R. You might also want to check out my Revolutionary Road fic, "Regrets" :D Have a nice read everyone :D**

My cries ceased some time later. I changed Rebecca, fed her, and now she was asleep on my bed, a punch of pillows around her for protection. No matter Cal's threats, I still felt like I had to see Mr. Dawson. I didn't know how, though, or how I'd find a way to sneak out of the cabin... I didn't even know whether Mother or Cal were also there...

There was only one way to find that out. After I made sure Rebecca was in a deep sleep, I walked out of the room, careful to make as less noise as possible. Instead, I found Trudy, taking care of some flowers on the fireplace.

"Goodmorning, Trudy", I said kindly.

"Goodmorning, miss Rose. Is there anything you would like?"

"Oh no, Trudy, nothing important. I would like to take a walk on the boat deck. I have a sore head, I think the fresh air will do me some good. Rebecca has been fed and changed, she is currently sleeping. If she wakes up, please spend some time with her."

"It's alright, Miss.."

"Oh, and inform Mother and Cal on the reason of my absence. That is, of course, if either of them comes asking for me."

I was pretty sure that was going to happen sometime. Mother would be probably wondering why I wasn't joining her, and Cal might want to make sure I didn't disobey him... But a sore head couldn't be pass as disobeying... Could it?

"It is alright, Miss. I will let them know."

"Thank you, Trudy. Have a good day!"

With that, I left. I needed to make my way to third class, careful to avoid any officers that would drag me away from the entrance, as if I was going to die if I dared set foot on there... Thankfully I was able to escape the first class section easily. Few officers were around, but they were keeping themselves busy, keeping the passengers pleased or anything else, probably concerning the ship and the journey.

Almost as I was walking down the stairs to third class, I noticed every one staring at me. Some, women mostly, were looking at me with admiration in their eyes, as if I was a goddess... As for the men, some were kind enough to remove their hats, but the looks I received from every single one of them was making me more uncomfortable by the minute... Eventually, after what seemed a very long time, I noticed Mr. Dawson sitting on a bench. I asked to talk to him in private. He agreed.

We were currently on the first class promenade deck. All the while, we had already discussed several topics, such as the weather or his life, but so far, I didn't find the courage to tell him what I wanted. Until he gave me the chance:

"I guess the weather is not what you wanted to see me, is it?"

"Mr. Dawson I..."

"Just Jack."

"Jack... I want to thank you for your discretion last night."

"You're welcome."

"Look.. I know what you must be thinking... What did such a rich girl do in the back of the ship in the middle of the night? Didn't she know it might have been dangerous?"

Suddenly, a well-known voice:

"Sweetpea!"

I saw my fiancé walking towards us. Some other people were following him, at least I knew he wouldn't do anything to me in front of them...

"Cal..."

"Who is this... gentleman who keeps you company?"

With the corner of my eye, I could notice Cal looking at Jack from head to toes, antipathy drawn all over his face. He didn't look at me, but I knew what was going on in his mind. I had disobeyed him... I 'd have to pay the prize...

"Darling, this is Mr. Dawson. He... he was of some assistance to me last night."

"Assistance?" He turned to face me. Apparently, he had misunderstood. Truth is, after I had come back to the suite, I had walked into my room from the corridors, and not from Cal's bedroom. Cal had the key to that door, and there was no way he'd let me in, without his will...

"Yes... It's a stupid story, really! Last night, I wanted to walk out and... have some fresh air... Then, I wanted to see the ...ah... the..."

"Propellers?"

"Propellers, but I slipped! And I would have gone overboard, but, Mr. Dawson here saved me, and almost went over himself!"

"You wanted to see the... She wanted to see the propellers!" he said, turning to his company. I stared at Jack, begging him to agree with everything I said.

"Like I say, women and machinery do not mix!" . One of these men, I assumed it was Gracie, shook his head. Cal kept his eyes on me for a while, as if to search if I were telling the truth...

"Was that the way of it?" he looked at Jack immediately, waiting for a reply.

"Yeah. Yeah, that was pretty much it."

I was appeased. I looked at him for a moment, to see him smiling at me. It felt like we were sharing a secret...

"Well, the boy's a hero then. Good for you son, well done!" Colonel's voice once again. "So it's all's well and back to our walk eh?"

"Yes...", Cal replied. Then, his attention on me: "Sweetpea, we will have a small talk later."

I just faked a smile for him. I knew what he wanted to "talk" to me about... And I had a gut feeling, I also knew when...

He turned to leave. Again, the Colonel was heard:

"Perhaps a little something for the boy...?"

"Right..." Cal stood in place. Then, he put his hand in his pocket, a twenty-dollar in his hand. "Here. I think a twenty should do it."

"Is that the going rate for saving the woman you love?"

I couldn't hide the irony. After all, it was him who needed me in order to have a son and heir...

Cal stared at me, that smirk never leaving his face...

"Rose is displeased. Mmm... what to do?"

He turned back to Jack. It was obvious he didn't like him already. Still, there were people staring, and me asking... He was struck against a wall.

"I know!" , he told me. After that, he spoke to Jack: "Perhaps you could join us for dinner tonight. To regale our group, with your heroic tale?"

Jack was looking straight at Cal.

"Sure, count me in."

"Good. Settled then!"

Cal and his company turned to leave. They didn't go far enough, though, and I could make out Cal saying to Gracie: "This should be interesting..." . As it seemed, they hoped that Jack would be the one who'd bore them all tonight at the table. After all, what did a gutter rat do with the millionaires? What interesting stuff were there to discuss?

Once they were completely out of sight, I felt like I was able to finally breathe again.

"So, who was that penguin?"

"Penguin? Oh, Cal!"

"What is he, anyway?"

"He... he is the reason I was at the back of the ship in the middle of the night.. And it wasn't just him... It was everything. It was my whole world, and all the people in it! And the inertia of my life... pledging ahead in me, powerless to stop it! "

I showed him my engagement ring. He looked at it in awe, like any other person who saw it.

"Gosh, look at that thing! You'd have gone straight to the bottom!"

I didn't notice his joke, not at that time anyway. Other thoughts were vanishing my mind and I wanted to express them to someone immediately.

"Five hundred invitations have gone out. All of Philadelphia's society will be there... And all the while I feel I'm.. standing in the middle of a crowded room, screaming in the top of my lungs and no one even looks up! And so I feel trapped, like an insect in amber..."

I could see in his eyes, that he knew that there was something that was the reason for me to stay alive. He was right... I could very easily have jumped, was my life somewhat different...

"So you feel like you're stuck on a train you can't get off 'cause you're marryin' this fella."

"Yes..."

"Then, don't."

"Oh, Jack, please don't judge until you've seen my world!"

"I guess I will... Tonight..."

A short silence followed. And Jack was the first to break it.

"Do you love him?"

I was in awe. No one had ever cared so much about the way I felt, no one ever dared to ask me that question. I might had misheard...

"Pardon me?"

"Do you love him?"

I heard it right. I wanted to reply, but I also had to keep a straight face.

"You're being very rude... You shouldn't be asking me this!"

I smiled. I didn't want to. Yet, I couldn't escape that.

"Well, that was a simple question... Do you love the guy or not?"

I couldn't hide the laughter anymore.

"This is not a suitable conversation!"

"Well, why can't you just answer the question?" Jack, also smiling.

"Ha! This is absurd! " A hand on my forehead, as if to show annoyance, I walked, as if to get a little further away from Jack. I faced him: "You don't know me and I don't know you and we're not having this conversation at all! You are rude and uncouth and presumptuous and... I am leaving now! " I took his hand in a handshake: "Jack, Mr. Dawson, it's been a pleasure! I sought out to thank you and now I have thanked you!..."

"And even insulted me.", he interrupted.

"Well... you deserved it!" I acted determined. Meanwhile, the handshake went on.

"Right..." , he said.

"Right!..." , I said.

"I thought you were leaving.", he went on.

"I am!" I turned to leave. But still, there was something more I needed to say. "You are so annoying!"

"Haha!"

That was playfully sarcastic. I took a few steps, a huge smile on my face. Until I realized...

"I don't have to leave!" I walked back. "This is _my_ part of the ship. _You_ leave!"

"Wo, wo, wo... Well, well, well! Now who's being rude?"

I don't know how I could stand him for so long, let alone confess to him what I never told anyone else. It was Cal who had ruined it, undoubtedly. Out of the blue, I noticed a sketchbook. Looking for a chance to changed the topic, I grabbed it from his hand, angrily.

"What is that stupid thing you're carrying around?" I scanned at the pictures for a while. They were all drawings of people... "So what are you, an artist or something?" The question was rhetorical. A closer look, and I could see it... Humanity being put gently on paper... The faces, although drawn with charcoal, seemed luminous and alive... Jack really knew how to celebrate the greatness of being a human...

"These are rather good..." was my first comment. Then, my eye caught some other drawings. A father with his daughter, an elderly couple... They looked like they were ready to jump out of the paper and appear right in front of you..."They're very good actually..."

Jack had come and sit right next to me, while I was mesmerized by his work.

"Well, they didn't think too much of 'em in old Paree..."

He seemed mad at this fact. His snapping his wrist was all the proof I needed .

"Paris?" I asked, amazed. I was indeed. How could a person like him travel to such a great city, and see all those things that I didn't have the time to see? He'd never tell, but I could see it in his eyes. He saw the people. While I was in Paris, I was kept in the hotel room, completely out of sight. Well, of course I should be... I was near the end of my pregnancy... Rebecca could have come at any minute...

"You do get around..." I went on, trying to think of something else. "For a p... Well... um... a person of limited means..."

I tried to appear nice, considering that, saying what I had in mind already would be insulting.

"A poor guy, you can say it!"

He smiled as he said that. It was innocent, meant nothing but kindness, but it was real. That was what made it so special. To me, at least...

I returned to the sketchbook, and turned the page.

"Well, well, well..."

Nudes. A whole series. From all I knew, drawing something like that was like trying to walk on a stretched rope. I had seen many such drawings emphasizing on the woman's body.. These ones, however, were real... The expressions of the models were put greatly on paper. I could see clearly what they were feeling... what they were thinking...

"And these were drawn from life?"

I tried to keep an adult face.

"Yup. That's one of the great things about Paris. Lots of girls willing take their clothes off."

I smiled a little. Then, I kept turning the pages. He was indeed a great artist, perhaps one of the greatest of the era. It didn't matter that his paintings were all created with charcoal. Something else was far more important than that:

"Well... You have a gift, Jack!" I finally said. "You do. You see people!"

"I see you." I felt him looking at me, the same way he looked at me the night before... He was trying to understand my soul, if he hadn't already.

"And...?" I was anxious for his response, thinking that he would describe me the way a writer would describe a beautiful woman. Or that he would flirt with me, like so many men had done before Cal... What came out as a response, though, was completely unexpected.

"There's a reason why you didn't jump..."

I stared at him for long, the smile disappeared from my face. True. There was something I hadn't told him yet... I knew I should, sometime, but I'd have to wait for the perfect moment. After all, he was a near stranger, and she was the reason my life had a meaning...

We spent the rest of the day together, talking on several topics. Mostly being art, the different styles that were beginning to show, such as cubism, our preferences... I even told him a few things more about my society and I had shared with him my wildest dreams I knew they were never going to become a reality. I had lost every sense of time. There was only me, Jack and our long talks. We might have been different people, with different experiences, from different backgrounds... But I noticed that, aside all of that, we had one thing in common: zest for life. We wanted to live for every moment, see the world, meet new people... The people I met were always ending up being boring... I never got to see the world, just the most famous hotels... I wanted to live for the moment, but with Cal and Mother being constantly controlling, that was extremely difficult...

I didn't realize the sun setting down... I knew Rebecca must be starving... But she had started to eat something else, aside from my milk, and so, I hoped, Trudy would find a way to keep my daughter pleased. As for now, I was more fascinated by Jack's experiences from California. The more I heard of him, the more I wanted to be like him. Carefree, joyous, without boring people and annoying rules over my head... I was determined... We had promised to go to Santa Monica, ride horses right on the surf, me riding like a man, chewing tobacco like a man, even spitting!

It all happened in a matter of seconds... One minute, I was daydreaming, the other Jack was holding my hand and showing me how to spit...

"But that is disgusting!"

I must have said that too playfully, because he insisted I should try. When I did, my "teacher" was extremely disappointed..

"Here, like this... you hawk it down... get some body to it, you know..."

I suddenly realized we were not alone. Some eyes were focused on us. I turned a little, to face the one person on earth that should never see that moment... Mother... And her friends... And Mrs. Brown... From all four of them, Molly seemed to be actually enjoying the moment. Jack was still focused on his spit, and I wanted the ground under my feet to swallow me, right there and then...

I motioned for Jack to stop for a while, and somehow got him to look at what was going on behind him. Mother was still keeping her gaze on us, wide-eyed like that day I had climbed on that tree in our garden when I was eight, and all the back of my dress was torn, revealing almost everything. Mother had slapped me that day, but we weren't in public then, and father was on a business trip... Now, with so many people in front, she couldn't slap her grown up daughter, could she? However, I should say something, as soon as I could, to break the silence and the awkwardness of the moment:

"Mother!"

It sounded so simple and stupid, but in reality, I was trying really hard not to laugh.

"May I introduce you to Jack Dawson?"

She took a careful look at him, from head to toes, giving him the same disgusted looks Cal had given him some hours ago. "Charmed, I'm sure...", she eventually spat.

So I begun telling them the same story I had told Cal and how Jack had managed to save me. While the others were gracious to him, Mother looked at him like he was a dangerous insect, one which should be squashed quickly...

I wasn't even done with my story yet, when we heard it: that awful meal call... As if we were in the army...

Once again, Mrs. Brown's thoughts met mine:

"Why do they insist on always announcing dinner like a damn cavalry charge?"

I laughed, just to break the awkwardness of the moment. Then, turning to Mother:

"Shall we go, dress?"

I didn't even wait for a response when I took her by the arm and started walking with her.

"See you on dinner, Jack!"

One last smile at him, and then we left... Once more, Mother judged my appearance:

"Rose, look at you. Out in the sun and without a hat. Honestly!"

"I didn't have a hat that suited with my dress!"

I didn't care whether she'd buy it or not, I was too tired to pay attention to Mother's fashion issues...

Eventually, after what seemed like forever, we went to the cabin. I tried to look around for any sign of Cal's presence, but thankfully I found none. Finally being able to breathe again, I walked to my room, to find Trudy holding Rebecca in her arms, playing with her.

"She is fed, miss.", she said, after I had asked her. "I fed her some hours ago. She wasn't very hungry today."

"It's alright, Trudy. In fact, I think she will have to be fed again soon..."

"Do you need help with the dress?"

"Yes, but then I'll have to get dressed..."

"Is there any dress you would like to wear tonight?"

"I think the red and black one will do... The one with the under-dress and then the overdress on top..."

I didn't care about Cal telling me how I should wear. Not tonight, at least. I must have started to feel something for Jack, something beyond simple friendship, but I wanted to look as beautiful as I never did tonight. I had described to Trudy how I wanted my hair to be done and she was doing them while I was feeding my daughter. Of course, both Trudy and I needed to be extremely careful, for one single movement could distract Rebecca's feeding. My daughter was done soon, though, a fact that gave Trudy and me plenty of time to get dressed and to have my make-up done.

Once I was done, the door to my room suddenly opened. I thought it was Mother, probably coming to approve of the dress I'd wear, but instead I found the one person I didn't want to have any interaction with... Especially after what happened recently...

"Cal..."

"I will ask you one question, Rose, and I want you to answer to me in all honesty. Who was this guy you were on the deck with?"

"You will excuse me, Miss..", Trudy said before leaving the room in a hurry.

Taking a very deep breath, which I hoped Cal hadn't noticed, I answered:

"I thought I told you, Cal. He's Mr. Jack Dawson. He's an artist."

"A struggling artist..."

"Does it matter, really?"

"What did a gutter rat do in first class?"

"He wasn't on his own. I was with him."

"I noticed so..."

I thought that the discussion would end right there and then, but Cal had a different idea...

"And how did you meet him?"

"I told you already, Cal. It was last night, at the back of the ship. I wanted to see the propellers, and..."

"You spent the night with me yesterday..."

"It was after that..."

"After that... Do you think I'm a fool?"

"Well, no, of course not..."

"So, do you expect me to buy that you went to see the propellers after what we did together? Do you want me to believe that he saved you from slipping? How do I know you didn't do anything else on the back of the ship, as well?"

"What? Cal, no... I couldn't possibly..."

"Of course you could. Don't you think I know how you feel towards me? Don't you think I know what you tried to do last night? Why would you want me to be the only guy in your bed, huh? Isn't that right... Sweetpea...?"

"We were just talking, Cal... Believe me..."

"I can't believe you, because you don't make me believe you! I suppose the baby isn't mine either, is it? Otherwise, why would you want to raise it? Why would you even love it if it was really mine?"

"What?! Cal, you can't possibly think..."

"Shut up!"

He raised his hand up, ready to slap me again. I gasped, wanting to avoid this. Rebecca's cries filling the room. Once again, my daughter became my heroine. Cal kept staring at me for a moment, his face as angry as it could be... I had brought my hands up to my face for protection, but now I was slowly lowering them, trying to see more carefully what Cal might have had in mind... He took one quick glimpse of me and the baby, then he left, simply murmuring something like: "Don't be late". Although I wanted to, I had promised myself not to cry. Not anymore. I had cried enough over a man I hated... Tonight had to be special. If not for all, then for me and Jack.


	6. Two Worlds

Out of the entire ship, the Grand Staircase was, without a doubt, my favorite place... All the elegance, all the greatness imaginable was gathered in this particular place... The glass dome, the clock, the angel at the end of the stairs... It was nothing like I had seen before... Not in the fanciest restaurant, not in the most luxurious hotel... No... It was way beyond that... It seemed like it had come out from a fairy tale, a magic world to which people immediately became a part of... At least this is how I felt, especially tonight, walking down the stairs...

I didn't have to search for Jack much. I had noticed him easily, being the one talking to himself, one hand neatly placed behind his back, the other imitating the movements of rich men... He soon noticed me as well. His eyes met mine as I made my way down the stairs. He walked closer to me. All that atmosphere, combined with the music, seemed like a dream... So impossible, yet so real!

As soon as I reached the end of the stairs, he took my gloved hand in his. Bringing it to his lips, he kissed it gently.

"I saw that on a nickelodeon once and I always wanted to do it!"

It was his innocence I was smiling at. I had only heard what a nickelodeon was. I had been to a moving picture theater once with my father, I think some 10 years ago, but I can still remember the fascination..

Extending his arm for me to take, we begun to walk towards the stairs that would take us to the dining room. Jack kept practicing his gentleman's skills, with me beaming proudly next to him. Until the moment we stopped behind Mother and Cal.

"Darling?" I touched Cal's arm, catching him off guard. "Surely you remember Mr. Dawson?"

Even Cal himself was unable to hide his surprise.

"That is amazing! You could almost pass for a gentleman!" he said. I smiled. I knew that, if Jack passed Cal's test, he could very easily be accepted by the other members of my world. "How extraordinary!" my fiancé whispered, before he took Mother's arm and made his way to the dining room as well.

The moment we had arrived downstairs, I immediately begun showing Jack some of the most important people in the room, with whom we were expected to dine.

"There's the Countess Rothes!", I started by pointing at her. "And..." my gaze wandered around the room for a while, trying to see who else was worth of an introduction. "That's John Jacob Astor. The richest man on the ship. His little wifey there, Madeleine, is in my age and in a delicate condition." Both Jack and I stared at her. "See how she's trying to hide it? Quite the scandal!"

I might have been rather sarcastic or even reached the borders of a slight irony whilst talking about her, but in reality I could sympathize with her, more than one could imagine... Up until I had reached the point when it became impossible, I had to accompany Cal in whatever gala or ball he wanted to attend. He said, he couldn't go without his fiancée... However, Cal might have known that what he was putting me through was torture... Staying up late, while your body needed sleep and not being able to hold back your urgent need for food were bearable. The stares, on the other hand, even though mostly brief, and the talks coming from people weren't. I had tried to convince my seamstress to sew me some baggier dresses, to hide the belly somehow, but both Cal and Mother had denied. Mother saying that "such things were worn some ten years ago" and Cal for his own, unknown reasons...

"And over there, that's Sir Cosmo and Lucile, Lady Duff-Gordon." I showed Jack that middle-aged couple, mostly to forget about my own thoughts. In the meantime, I had to wave to Lady Duff Gordon, mostly out of manners, whilst her husband was staring at me like I was a prize horse... "She designs naughty lingerie, among her many talents. Very popular with the royals."

We smiled at each other. In the same time, Mrs. Brown appeared behind us. Smiling at us, she asked:

"Care to escort another lady to dinner?"

Jack agreed and we walked together into the greatness of the dining room. I had noticed Jack growing more and more nervous by the minute... He had probably thought that it would be easy to just dress up and pretend to be a rich person... Despite that, though, he never faltered. Most people assumed he belonged in our world. The rumor was spread that he was an heir to a railway fortune. New money obviously, but still a member of the club. And of course, the minute we sat at the table, everyone, especially Mother, wanted to know more on him and his background.

"Tell us of the accommodations in steerage, Mr. Dawson. I heard they're quite good on the ship!"

"The best I've seen, Ma'am. Hardly any rats!"

I had noticed the sarcasm in Jack's voice, but thankfully, all the others laughed. I felt relieved. They had started to like him already!

"Mr. Dawson is joining us in the third class. He was of some assistance to my fiancée last night, too, actually."

I knew what Cal was trying to do. Ruin the good impression Jack and I had tried to hard to create in the minds of the other rich people... They certainly knew, there was a mystery around this man. I could only try to make that mystery sound more interesting, without making Jack feel in any way uncomfortable.

"It turns out that Mr. Dawson is quite a fine artist!" I interrupted. Everyone looked at Jack with admiration. "He was kind enough to show me some of his work today!". Hoping that Cal wasn't looking, I smiled at Jack, as soon as the blink of an eye, before looking at my plate again.

After that, Cal started pointing out our difference in what we each called fine art... Dinner was being served at that moment, so I coughed, trying to catch Jack's attention about the towel. I should have told him a few things while we were on the boat deck, so that he had an idea of what to expect... I noticed him staring at the silverware as well, then turning to Mrs. Brown for advice. Of course, I had my own share of anxiety about Jack, but so far, so good.

The discussion was about the ship again. Me, feeling rather guilty about my behavior at lunch the day before, turned to Mr. Andrews:

"Your ship is a wonder. Truly!"

"Thank you, Rose!"

Caviar was now being served. When asked about his taste in that kind of- God make it- food, Jack denied, with a simple: "never did like it much."

I couldn't hide the smile from my face now. It was both the way he said it, as well as the fact that he remembered my hatred for the delicacy.

But of course, Mother wouldn't stop her questions easily.. She kept wondering where Jack lived, how he made his money... When he mentioned the "very lucky hand of poker" that lead him here, tonight, with us, and then looked at me, I smiled the widest I could. It wasn't just out of kindness... Perhaps I really wanted to impress him... But I knew that, with Cal next to me, I had to be extremely cautious...

"And do you find that sort of rootless existence appealing, do you?", Mother again. As sarcastic and ironical as she could sound... She was playing the same game with Cal, trying to make Jack feel uncomfortable... They should know they had already lost it, though, because that mysterious Mr. Dawson seemed to have captivated everyone around the table. Except from these two, of course...

"Well, yes, Ma'am, I do. I mean, I got everything I need right here with me. I've got air in my lungs and a few blank sheets of paper... We live in a huge world, and I want to see it all before I go. My father was always talkin' about goin' to see the ocean. He died in the town he was born in, and never did see it. But he kept telling me to appreciate the simplest things in life. I mean I love waking up in the morning and not know what's gonna happen or who I'm gonna meet, where am I gonna wind up. Life is always unpredictable. Just the other night I was sleeping under a bridge and now, here I am, in the grandest ship on the world, having champagne with you fine people! I figure life's a gift and I don't intend on wasting it. You never know what hand you're gonna get dealt next. You want to take life as it comes out to you. To make each day count."

His words were captivating me. He had described everything I wanted to be, everything I hoped I was... Holding my daughter in my arms, watching the sunset, reading a book I liked... Those simple, invaluable moments were the most important in life for me... I didn't know Jack much, but, from the little I did, I could tell that he wasn't wasting a moment of his life...

"Well said, Jack.", Mrs. Brown's voice was heard, taking the thoughts out of my mind.

I soon followed. Raising up my glass, my gaze never leaving his...

"To making it count."

The rest on the table soon joined me. "To making it count!"

Not much time later, dinner was over. The gentlemen started heading to the smoking room. I had already informed Jack on that and, when asked by Gracie to join them, he denied. And when I asked him, too, rather disappointed on his departure, he replied that it was time for him to go row with the other slaves, before he kissed my hand goodnight.

As I saw him leaving, I had noticed something in my palm. It was a piece of paper. As cautiously as possible, I read it under the table-cloth.

_Make it Count. Meet me at the clock. _

What was that now? What did Jack have in mind? Should I go and find him, or should I stay here, avoiding his introduction?

I chose to go with the second option. My nervousness wouldn't leave me, until I reached him on the top of the Grand Staircase:

"So, you wanna go to a real party?"

The room was so lively, music, laughter everywhere, filling the entire room and your soul! I didn't care about being out-of-place with my fine dress and jewelery, I was so so carried away by the atmosphere and most of all, the freedom! The music was one I had never heard before, one that Jack had named as "Irish" …. I really enjoyed it, it was mostly fast tunes, nothing like I was used to. All the music I kept hearing my entire life was slow waltzes and classical... Nothing so fast, nothing so inviting to dance!

People didn't seem to care that I was first class, they were too busy with their own dancing and finding the right partner...

I was sitting on my table, watching as Jack was dancing with a five-year-old girl. Or trying to, at least, with her standing on his feet. I was staring at the two, knowing what a good father he'd make one day. He danced with the little girl until the song stopped. Then, Jack looking at me, whispered to the girl:

"I'm gonna dance with her now, alright?"

I stared at him in awe. I mean, I liked watching those people dance, but me doing it? I couldn't do it... I could only dance a waltz and some ballet movements I remembered, but that was all really...

"Come with me!" he said.

Before I had the chance to think twice, he held my hand and brought me close to him.

"Jack, I can't do this..." I told him, certain that he could see a bit of how terrified I was in my eyes.

Jack, still smiling at me, said: "We'll just have to get a little bit closer." Then, his hand on my waste, he pulled be close to his body. I felt uncomfortable. There had never been such a short distance between myself and another man except from Cal... But with Cal, it was something completely different...

A few more moments of trying to get the rhythm, of trying to understand how it went, until Jack, after reassuring the little girl that she was still his queen, started to dance with me.

The first steps were rather awkward. I didn't know what I was doing and I was certain I had stepped on Jack's toes, but he told me: "Just move with me. Don't think!"

Then it started. I soon got carried away with the song. I hadn't danced in years, but I knew, this was a completely different feeling that what I had known. I was certain that Jack was holding me protectively, one movement done wrong, he'd go on holding me close, dancing around with me.

Sometimes he was too fast for me though, and no matter how many times I had told him to wait or to stop, he'd just go faster and faster...

I had begun to get lost in the thrill of the dance and the music. I had nearly lost the sense of time and space, when I felt Jack dragging me towards a wooden stage in the center of the room. The moment I stepped up there, and I saw so many people staring at us, I realized what was in Jack's mind. However, I chose not to care about the stares. I had got used to them all that time. I just wanted to have fun tonight, and forget about everything- including people's opinions. Jack was doing some tap-dancing movements. I didn't think twice. The minute he stopped, I put my shoes off and threw them to a woman nearby. Then I started. I had never done tap-dancing before, but that wasn't an issue. I let the music carry me away once more, and, before I even knew it, people were clapping their hands, encouraging me to go on. It was until I heard Jack say: "go, Rose!" that I looked at him, then I took his arm in mine and we begun dancing together again.

When the music stopped, I stared at Jack. We were both panting, but we had those huge smiles on our faces.

"Care for a drink?", he asked.

"Yes", I replied. "Just let me get my shoes!"

Thankfully, that woman was kind enough to come and hand them back to me, without even asking for it. I thanked her, then Jack showed me the table where his friend, Tommy was sitting, trying to show someone that he was far stronger. When Jack handed me the cheap beer, I begun drinking it as if it was water. When I noticed Jack's curious stare at me, I turned to him and said:

"What? You think a first class girl can't drink?"

We burst into giggles again, but were soon cut off when someone fell on us, spilling all of his beer on my dress. I didn't care at all. In fact, I laughed, enjoying the moment. I assured Jack I was fine, the same time Tommy's game with that stranger ended.

"So!" I entered the scene, all beaming with pride and ready to show off. "You think you're big tough men?"

I grabbed Tommy's cigar from his mouth, noticing how in awe he was with me. Taking a big puff, I took a few steps back, and, while breathing the smoke out of my lungs, I continued, the same pride on my face:

"Let's see you do this!"

I didn't have my shoes on, they were resting on the floor next to me. With Jack holding the long train of my dress, I assumed a ballet stance, my arms above my head to keep the balance. I gathered all of my weight to the tip of my toes. But I had forgotten how painful it was without the proper shoes... I had managed to see, though, those guys gaping at me with their mouths open! I tried to hold on the longest I could, but I couldn't handle it anymore. I fell into Jack's arms and he kept holding me protectively, still asking if I was alright.

"I haven't done that in years!" I told him, that wide smile never leaving my face.

The party ended in the early hours of the morning. Although I had told Jack that there was no such need, he insisted that he escorts me back to the first class entrance. Although we remained silent for most of the long walk, he suddenly begun singing "Come Josephine". It was a tune very popular a couple of years ago, but it still felt so brand new when we sung it! As if we really were flying high up the stars tonight. All that music, all that dancing, all that excitement... Nothing like I had felt in my entire life. I wanted this night never to end.

Suddenly, I stopped singing. I stared up at the sign. There we were, back to reality...

"Well, here we are!", I said, after handing Jack back his jacket.

A few moments of silence, and then me: "I don't want to go back!"

I stared at the stars above us. It has been a long time since I last saw the night sky...

"So vast and endless!" I said, grabbing one of the ship's rope and doing a little dance movement. "My crowd think they're giants. But they're not even dust in God's eye!"

Jack, in the meantime, had gone right next to me. "You know, Rose, you got mailed to the wrong address!"

I laughed at the honesty of these words. But then, something else caught my attention. Something one couldn't find often...

"Look! A shooting star!" We were both staring at the sky once more.

"You know, my dad used to tell me, every time you saw one, it was a soul going to heaven."

"Aren't we supposed to wish on them too?"

I noticed how close we were the moment Jack stared back at me. For the first time I wondered, what it'd feel like if he kept me in his arms once more, but not like dancing... If he would hug me in a more tender way, how would that feel?

"Why? What would you wish for?" he asked, after a short silence.

I didn't have to think twice... "Something I can't have."

After I said those words, Jack kept looking skeptical. Perhaps he was wondering what was that one thing that money would never be able to buy. But the human soul really is above all the billions of the earth...

I left, with a simple goodnight. I wanted to tell him something, but I didn't know what. So many thoughts were in my mind that moment, that I thought it'd be much better if I returned back to my world...

I found Rebecca sleeping peacefully in her stroller. Although I knew I shouldn't, I held her in my arms, careful not to wake her up. Something in me told me it was best to do so. Without looking at the direction, I found my way to the bed, and sat on it, murmuring the song me and Jack were singing on the boat deck. I wanted to share all of tonight's feelings with my daughter! Until I felt someone from behind grab my arm:

"Where have you been all night?"

Cal. He was there. I was terrified and shocked. What did he want? I didn't want to think about it. Still, I didn't dare face him.

"Look at me when I'm talking to you!"

With one single movement, he pushed me on the bed. I was lying on my back, Rebecca still in my arms, crying.

"Make this bloody thing shut up and answer me!"

I held on my daughter tighter. I knew Cal couldn't do much, for I would go on holding her. But I wanted to protect my daughter. I feared Cal's wrath. It was something I was familiar with, but I didn't want to know what would happen to my baby if I let her go. I didn't answer.

Cal climbed on top of me. I gasped. I knew what was coming, and I dreaded that. I felt my blood run cold in my veins as Cal pushed the hem of my dress right up my waist, and struggled to remove my underwear.

"Cal, no, please! Not in front of the baby!"

My cries wouldn't stop him. Instead, they'd make him angrier and harsher. I still kept my daughter tight in my arms. Rebecca was still crying, louder than before.

"I don't care about you or that stupid thing!" , I heard him whisper loudly in my ear.

And then it happened. He invaded me. I remained silent. And my daughter kept crying...


	7. A Rose Without Thorns

**A/N: First of all, I want to thank everyone who had read this story and reviewed/favourited/followed. It certainly means a lot :D Second, I don't like this chapter much... But after endless thoughts and tries to re-write it, this is the best I could make of it... Third, I know some of you will hate Cal in this chapter, so, in order to avoid any reviews criticising his actions there, let me explain a few things: 1) The characters both in the movie and in this story are complicated. This means, you can't understand every single aspect of their personality, unless you spend a lot of time thinking about their motives, their past, their thoughts... 2) Cal believes Rose to be his, right? And the fact that they have a child already only makes that belief even more intence to his mind. We know that he needs Rose in order to have a son, and that's the reason he's marrying her in the first place, so, when he sees her running away from him, he tries to stop her, and he believes that the best way to do that is by saying what you will read in this chapter :D 3) If you still have some questions, feel free to send me a PM, I'll be happy to reply to all of your questions :D 4) Have a nice read :D And do remember to review ;)**

No one spoke during breakfast. I didn't have anything to say and Cal seemed deep in thought. The anger he had last night was still obvious in his eyes. After he got what he wanted from me, he left, going back into his cabin. And I slept, with Rebecca in my hands, trying to calm her down, while my own soul was broken into a thousand of pieces.

"You still haven't answered to my question". Cal's voice broke the silence. I knew I should say something, but I didn't know what. "Where were you last night?"

"I think you already know the answer, Cal. I was left at dinner with the rest of the ladies", was all I could say.

"And you always come back looking a fright, don't you?".

There was irony in his voice. I couldn't fight him back. There was nothing left for me to say, so I just remained silent.

"Where were you last night, Rose?"

There was more anger in his voice now as he said that. Again, I stayed quiet. Until I found the strength to tell him what I longed to spat at him for a long time now:

"I'm not some foreman in your father's mills than you can command! I am your fiancée!..."

I saw Cal being ready to explode. He stood up immediately. For a moment, I thought he was going to throw the table, as he had done once more, when I had been in the fourth month of my pregnancy. Instead, he tried to remain calm. He looked at me, with a glance hard to describe. Anger and lust were the feelings I could make out.

"You are, Rose, and the mother of my child. You do well to remember that. My wife in practice, if not yet by law, so I expect you to honor me. The way every wife is required to honor a husband. Because I'm not as a fool as you believe me to be. Is this in any way unclear?"

I didn't reply. I couldn't. I sensed what was coming. I just shrunk into my chair, dreading his next movement.

He walked closer to me. I knew he couldn't do anything, with all the servants walking in and out of the room. He grabbed me by the arm, once more, more violently than he did last night, and led me to his bedroom. Rebecca was sleeping in my room, just a door away. I daren't open my mouth to speak. I knew it would make matters worse, anyway. I wanted to, but I couldn't run either. My feet wouldn't move, as fear ruled my body once more.

I watched him lock the door, after making sure no one was around. He then walked up to me, and tried to pull me on his bed. I tried my best to escape his touch. I wasn't going to scream. I wouldn't wake my daughter up. I wouldn't give Cal the satisfaction of seeing me suffer.

As if by a miracle, I managed to escape his tight hold of my arms. I ended up standing right opposite of Cal's bed. My body touched the wall, as he walked towards me, and held me even tighter than before.

"Listen, Rose. You are strong enough to have another baby now. And you are. You are going to give me a son and an heir. A smart boy to take over the business once I'm gone."

For the moment, I wish I was gone. Gone to the room behind that white door, gone near my daughter, locked in there, so that no one would find us, no one would hurt us. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't get my mind off reality. Cal used all his body weight to keep me stuck against the wall, while he struggled to free me from my clothes. Some time, he gave up, and he ripped my dress off. Then came my underwear. I was completely naked in front of him, while his hands traveled through my body. Suddenly, it happened again. I let out a small scream at the unbearable pain. Cal shut my mouth with his hands.

"Don't let the servants hear you as if I'm doing something bad on you. You'll enjoy this, as you did last night."

I didn't want to relive the previous night in Cal's bedroom. It held no pleasure for me at all. There was nothing but pain. Both physical and emotional pain. My entire body hurt, my daughter was screaming... Cal invaded my body once more. It hurt more than it did the night before. He was the harshest he could be, at least, the harshest I had known him to be. I bit my lip in an attempt to remove the pain from my body. I couldn't bear Cal's touch. I couldn't bear the thought of having another child with him. Soon, I tasted blood. I knew where it came from, but I couldn't care less. Cal was trying his best, in his attempt to make me conceive again. He was staring at me, trying to see that look in my eyes, the expression of pain drawn on my face, the sound of my painful screams... But I wouldn't give in. No matter how much I hurt, no matter how much I bled, I wouldn't give him another child. I wouldn't give him a son. Perhaps, perhaps I could take Rebecca and leave. Perhaps I could go with Jack in third class and tell him all. He would understand. He was nothing compared to that monster I was engaged to marry. He'd love Rebecca as much as I did. He'd be the father Rebecca deserved...

Finally, after what seemed like ages, Cal was done.

"I hope this has worked, Sweetpea. If not, we can still do this again."

_No,_ I screamed inside me. _No, you won't do that. Because the next time you try to, I'll be gone,_

He left, locking the door behind him. And as for me, I was left there. Naked. But I didn't realize until I felt a small shiver. With the remainders of my dress and underwear, I managed to somehow clothe myself. Rebecca was still asleep. I couldn't stand it anymore. I fell to the floor and cried. Cried as hard as I had never done in my entire life.

I don't know how much time had gone by since when I had heard footsteps coming from my bedroom. Oh my gosh, Trudy! She was the only one that could be in my bedroom at such an hour, besides Rebecca, and I didn't want her to face me in my torn clothes! I knew she wouldn't speak or ask any questions, for if either Cal or Mother would hear her, they'd fire her instantly. But it was that look in her eyes that I couldn't stand... The one that silently told me that she knew everything...

She knocked on the door. Perhaps she'd like to make sure Cal wasn't in there. He had left the door to my bedroom unlocked, as he'd do every morning, for I would always wake up later than him. I tried to wipe the tears off my face and cover myself a little better, but it was no use... The damage was more than obvious. After all, the door had opened before I managed to do anything...

"Miss Rose!..."

Trudy knelt next to me. She held my hand, trying to comfort me somehow, but the few tears left to cry were soon wiped out with the back of my hand.

"Help me get dressed, Trudy."

She helped me stand up and soon, we were in my bedroom. Rebecca was fed before breakfast, so there wasn't any need to do that now. She'd be fed again before lunchtime. For now, she was once again on my bed, staring at the ceiling. Trudy would take her for a walk after she was done with dressing me up. For the time being, Trudy was keeping herself busy with trying to lace my corset. I hated those things... They were like a second skin around you, they hardly left you any space to breathe...

We were both concentrated, Trudy on the corset and me on Rebecca, when the door opened again.

"Tea, Trudy!"

Mother. She sounded rather angry. I turned to face her, while Trudy was leaving the room. She, too, locked the door behind her, her eyes focused on me the entire time. Other than anger, though, I could make out some fear and... humiliation, perhaps?

She grabbed the corset strings with a fury. I always hated it when Mother would lace the corset, but she would never lace it as tight as she was now. I thought that, maybe I should tell her that, but she spoke first:

"You will not behave like that again, do you understand me? Rose, I forbid it!"

I knew what and whom she was referring to. However, I thought I should play stupid:

"Oh, stop it, Mother, you'll give yourself a nosebleed!"

I didn't even finish my sentence properly, when I felt her grab my arm and turning me around to face her:

"This is not time for games. You are well aware of our hazardous situation. You know the money is gone!"

"Of course I know it's gone!" I said, trying to sound as angry as she was. I had grown so tired of this talk already... "You remind me everyday!"

She leaned closer. My eyes couldn't stare at anything else but her cold, angry glance. Her grip on my arm tightened a bit. In a low voice she said:

"All we have left from your father is bad debts hidden by a good name! That name is our only card to play!" With that, she finally freed my arm. I was left with nothing better to do, than stare at her, my head aching from all the morning's tension.

"I can't understand you!", she went on. "You wanted to create a family with Cal, and yet you run away from him." Oh, Mother, if only you knew the truth! " We nearly caused a huge scandal with Rebecca, we had to spread the rumor that you got married in secret." With that, the anger in her eyes returned: "Mind your manners. This wedding is our last chance to come back to the lifestyle we were accustomed to, it will ensure our survival!"

I realized at that moment, that it was now or never:

"How can you put this on my shoulders?"

"Why are you being so selfish?"

"I'm being selfish!"

A few moments of silence followed. The anger was replaced by sadness, but it still wouldn't fade completely. Mother was still staring at me, when she started saying the next words:

"You want to see us working as seamstresses. Is that what you want? See Rebecca growing up in the streets... Our lives being forever ruined!"

She turned around, pretending to burst out into tears. I wasn't an idiot. I could understand when my mother was acting. But she was right in a way... I turned my attention to my daughter. Rebecca was safe here... She would grow up in a healthy environment, have food, a home and financial security, without having to struggle... I knew what was happening to the world, I knew about the children having to work at a very young age, for hours and hours long...

However, could I handle? Could I bear Cal's abusive behavior for a lifetime? Perhaps, if I gave him a son, he'd stop being so violent. Perhaps he'd even grow to like me a little... But was that what I really wanted for myself?

"It's so unfair..." I finally said, letting out a deep breath.

"Of course it is unfair.", Mother replied, turning to face me. Then, with a small smile on her face, and with some understanding in her eyes, she went on: "We are women. Our choices are never easy!"

She then did something she had never done in years. She took my face in her hands and kissed me on the cheek. She tried to give me a tender kiss, but her cold, stiff lips were proving otherwise... Perhaps she was still considering me immoral, although she had accepted Rebecca now. Perhaps she even saw her granddaughter as a way to get what she'd like faster... Cal as her daughter's groom...

The main reason Cal and I hadn't gotten married after my pregnancy had become known wasn't that I was too young for marriage... It was mostly that the news had been spread extremely fast, as if the world had found out long before we had... As if they had known everything already... We had been left without a choice. Doing a real wedding would only prove the rumours, that I had conceived without being married. But the Hockleys seem to know the answer to everything... They had lied to the world, saying that Cal and I had gotten married in a private ceremony, and that I had conceived on the wedding night. In order to make that lie more truthful, they had given both Cal and myself some fake wedding bands to wear, that- what an irony!- were made of real gold... I would wear them on public events, but not on a daily basis... My fingers were becoming swollen if I was wearing rings all day long, and the bands were tight enough already... As for the engagement ring, I couldn't take it off... That would make Cal extremely furious... Anyway, a bigger ceremony had been promised to follow, shortly after the child would be born. However, Rebecca had brought many expenses to the family, leaving them no time to do any wedding preparations... So it was arranged, that the wedding should take place 9 months after the birth, so that we would have plenty of time to prepare the perfect marriage... This is how I ended up being engaged to Cal for two years...

Some time later, I was all dressed. I entered the sitting room, while waiting for the others to be done, so that we should go to church.

"Trudy, where is my shawl?"

I noticed Cal sitting on the sofa, staring at me. He looked furious, but I didn't know what I had done now... As far as I'm concerned, after the breakfast incident, I didn't do anything else wrong today...

"Trudy!" , I said, louder. All I wanted, was another person present in the room, so that Cal wouldn't do whatever he had in mind...

"She is in your room." Cal replied. He tried to sound calm, but the anger in his voice was obvious already...

"How do you know?" I sounded stupid. Of course Trudy was in the room! She was getting Rebecca dressed for the day! I had to answer Cal somehow though...

He walked to me. He stared at me for a while, then said:

"I know where you were last night."

"I should have imagined you had that undertaker of a manservant follow me. How typical!"

His fingers on my chin, he turned my head, so that I could face him. I could see the anger in his eyes, how it had increased... He held my shoulder tightly, so much, that I was certain he was leaving a mark...

"Listen to me, Rose. Your behavior is no longer appropriate! You will be the mother of my son, and I won't allow you to spend your time with a gutter rat! I know that whatever measures I had taken so far hadn't taught you a thing. So, now you will listen to me, because I'll say it only once!"

Silence. I was afraid of what he'd say... Keep me locked in a room, beat me, spend the night with me without my own will? He had done all of these, so what else could he think of? What could be far worse?

"If you are seen with Dawson again, even with a huge distance between you, if you ever think of talking to him again, or even look at him, I will make sure that you will never see your daughter again."

I felt like I would faint... No... He couldn't do that! He couldn't separate an innocent child from her mother... Even the worst person on earth wouldn't do that...

I held on to the wall. Soon, I fell to the chair behind me. I was pale. I wanted to hide back the tears from running... I knew that what I did was wrong, but Jack was the only real friend I had... The one that showed me what life really was about... I couldn't leave him just like that...

I looked at Cal. A proud smirk on his face... He knew I didn't have a choice. He knew I'd choose Rebecca over Jack... She was my child, I adored her, I could never imagine leaving her, even if her father wasn't the abusive bastard that he is...

We stared at each other like that for a while, until he walked to the promenade deck, leaving me alone in the room. I knew Cal was serious. He could do that, if he wanted. And the way he spoke... He meant every single thing... But still, I couldn't let Jack go like that... Even if I left, he'd follow me... We had become so close... It was impossible to leave without a goodbye...

I couldn't think... Anything but Rebecca anyway... With trembling legs, I managed to stand up. I walked into my bedroom. Trudy was there, still, tickling Rebecca and seeing her smile... Oh, that beautiful, pretty smile of my little girl! As soon as Trudy noticed my presence, she looked at me for a few moments, the smile still on her face. Then, realizing I wanted to be alone with my daughter, she left, closing the door behind her. Rebecca was still on my bed. I held her in my arms. I started to stroke her hair, while I was singing a song to her. It wasn't a lullaby... Just, something that would take my mind off of reality for a moment... Rebecca kept staring at me. Perhaps she, too, noticed that something was wrong... That her mommy was sad... Soon, she couldn't stand it anymore. Her eyes still focused on me, closed for a moment. A few moments later, Rebecca was taking a nap... Normally, I should place her either on the bed or in her stroller... But not now. I couldn't let her go... I wanted to take that all in... Oh, my darling, how I wished your father was less cruel... How I wish I could give you the life you deserved... Why did there have to be so many obstacles? Why couldn't everything be easier? Even for a moment only...


End file.
